a little something i've been working on...

This site has been live for over a month, but I'm just now working up the courage to make it more known, via this blog post and a facebook status.  It's been a lot of fun to tweak and fiddle with (yes, pun intended!), perhaps too much fun!  Anyway, feel free to pass it on to any folks in the Missoula area looking for a violin teacher!

on reading 1 Peter 2 and interviews with David Bazan...

random thoughts... from a sad heart:

"you will know them by their fruit" - Jesus talking to Jesus-followers about how to know if another person is a Jesus-follower.

"the world will know you are my disciples because you love one another." again, Jesus to his followers about how the not-Jesus-followers ("the world") will perceive those who belonging to Him.

but also, "if the world persecutes me, they will persecute you, too."  so, we should expect that we will not always be understood or appreciated.  On the contrary, we can expect to be opposed in our life missions to share Jesus' life and love.

and then, 1 Peter 2... "though the world may call you evildoers now, when God comes at the end, they will realize you were doing God's will all along." so, in our quest to do the right thing, we can expect that some will say we are doing evil.  whaaa???  for reals?   yeah.  somehow i forgot that in my people-pleaser, facebook-like-seeking existence.

we need to stop using the world's judgement to validate Jesus-followers' actions.  How did it come to this, that we look for approval from non-believers of Jesus as the standard by which we judge ourselves, or approve/condemn our brothers and sisters in Christ?!?  the world's opinion is of no importance!

among the body of believers, we are to use Holy Spirit-guided discernment and "speak the truth in love."  sometimes, that means we confront and do the 1 Corinthians "expel the immoral brother" thing.  Sometimes.  outside of the church, we're just supposed to love radically, like Jesus did, and tell the truth about who our holy, good, awesome God is, and make known the judgement to come against all evil, but also to proclaim the hope of rescue we have through Jesus.

Still, we are only works-in-progress, so we often don't serve and love those outside our community of faith very well.  And we often don't get loving each other right, either.

That, to me, is the most hurtful thing.

But right now, i want to remember this: as much as i do to be a peace-maker and "servant of all," and "live at peace with everyone as much as it is depends on you," in the end, it is only God's opinion that matters.

"well done, good and faithful servant.  come and enter into your Master's rest."

SF Recipe #1 - Salmon Burgers with Creamy Dill Sauce

No, that's not "San Francisco" recipes, but "Sean-Friendly!!"

In the continuing adventures of Sean+Sylvia, I need a place to post recipes so that I can pin them on my Pinterest boards.  By the way, I was very late to the Pinterest game, avoiding it at all costs... until I got engaged.  Since the wedding, it has been invaluable as I learn to cook and bake for my highly food-allergic husband.

Said husband, Sean, bought a lovely house in the South Hills of Missoula about 6 months before I met him.  Soon after, his younger brother, Caleb, started renting the basement bedroom from him. Caleb was the first of Sean's family that I met - a surreal experience, for sure!

But I digress. When Caleb moved to the East Coast in September 2013, he left an assortment of random things, including 10 cans of salmon. Yeah, salmon.  What do you do with that much salmon?  Well, since I detest and deplore the wasting of food, I have been determined to find out.  To kick off this cooking/baking portion of my blog, here is the favorite, "sooo good," salmon recipe that has become a staple in our diet - at least, as long as the salmon lasts! :)

Salmon Burgers with Creamy Dill Sauce
(adapted from this fresh salmon recipe and this canned salmon one)

Makes 4 burgers.  Prep time: 25 minutes  Cook time: 10 minutes

for the burgers

• 1 can (14.75 ounces) canned salmon
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup chopped green onion
• 1/4 cup bread crumbs (we use Gillian's Bread Crumbs)
• 1 tablespoon finely grated fresh ginger
• 2 teaspoons minced garlic
• 1/2 teaspoon champagne vinegar and/or 1/2 teaspoon lemongrass*
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 tablespoon light (cooking) olive oil

for the Creamy Dill Sauce

• 2-3 teaspoons minced garlic
• 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh dill
• 1 teaspoon wine vinegar OR 2 teaspoons lemon juice
• 1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt

1. Drain and reserve liquid from salmon.  Remove bones, if desired.
2. Combine all of the salmon burger ingredients EXCEPT oil in a large bowl.
3. Make into burger patties.  If the mixture is too dry to form them, add reserved liquid from salmon, 1 teaspoon at a time.  Likewise, if is too wet, add breadcrumbs 1 teaspoon at a time.
4. Heat the oil in a frying pan over medium-high heat.  When the pan is very hot, add the burgers and cook for 3-4 minutes per side, turning gently.
5. In a small bowl, stir together sauce ingredients.
6. Serve on buns, topped with the creamy dill sauce.  Enjoy!

*October 2016 UPDATE: This summer, we discovered that Sean can eat lemongrass.  I used that in this recipe the last time we made it.  I have yet to try it with both the vinegar and the herb, as I was out of the former that particular time.  I'll make it again soon and update this!

Promises, promises

Growing up, I was always annoyed by this one poem by mom insisted on hanging in a prominent place wherever we lived.  I remember it most distinctly as hanging in the dining room in the apartment we lived in my last three years of high school.  I see it in my mind in that spot, and I remember the feeling of dislike.  But the words stuck with me, and lately, I've been coming back to them, and realizing how true they are.  So, curious about the poem and its writer, I turned to the Almighty Google.  This is what I found.

The poet was Annie Johnson Flint who wrote numerous poems and hymns. The "poem" as I knew it was really just the 1st verse and chorus of the hymn "What God Hath Promised."  Annie had a really tough life, almost from birth.  She never married, and struggled with chronic illness.  She wrote to support herself and her sister, who was also ill.   "Her life was lived, as someone has said, from hand to mouth, but as she liked to have it expressed, the mouth was hers, and the hand was God’s and His hand was never empty."

Wow.

Intellectually, I know that to be true, and the foundation of my trust in God, which is the very bedrock of my existence, but I want to - no, I need to know it more, deeper, more consistently, every day, every minute, breathing in His grace, His power, His provision for all my needs.... yeah.

So, here's that hymn.  And... thanks, mom!  :)

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

Refrain
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain rocky and steep,
Never a river turbid and deep.

the First Christmas must be perfect! or not.

In the continuing saga of Sylvia's sinuses and the hunt for a Christmas tree that doesn't offend said cavities, it is Trees, 2, Sylvia, 0.  Sean won't even try a third tree, but when I suggested a fake one, his initial reaction was "speaking of an abomination!"   He has since come around to seeing it as an option.  And so, after Christmas, when they are slightly less crazy-expensive, we will be on the hunt for a tree for next year.  Or we may just get a palm tree - or, maybe an olive tree! :)

I keep telling myself that the tradition of a coniferous Christmas Tree in the house is a rather new one, so I really don't need it.  Still, I deeply, desperately want it.  Why?  Well, in order to hang the ornaments that friends have given us for this First Christmas as a married couple, one of them personalized with our names.  And then, there is a box of ornaments from Sean's childhood, and a small box of my ornaments that I've gradually collected and carried with me across the country...

But here is what has been working: Advent.  I seem able to tolerate a lovely little (real!) advent wreathe.  And when we read the devotional, and light the candles, and re-remember the One we celebrate, it feels perfect.

Originally, this table was just for the advent wreathe, but then it accumulated stuff: the tree-top angel sans tree, some gifts from friends and violin students, and a plant I'm attempting to kill - I mean, rehabilitate!

aaaand.... i'm back!

I just can't work up the effort to start a new blog, so here I am reviving my ol' stand-by.  Again. This time it's for recording the misadventures of the first year of marriage.  Actually, there have been very few - it's been a very good 7+ months!  But yesterday, this happened...
...who knew that the Fraser Fir had it out for me?!?

a year ago today...

it was one year ago today, Monday, April 8, 2013, that i decided i needed to call it all off, end the thing, beacuse he was too nice, too sweet, and he liked me but i just didn't feel enough to date him - not attracted, not interested, etc.  i didn't want to lead him on, and then hurt him.  it was a very emotional and confused and sad day.

makin' it newspaper official

We finally, finally got our act together, got our ducks in a row, got... whatever all put together in order to have our engagement announced in our local newspaper, The Missoulian, picture included. The announcement itself is short and sweet, right to the point. You can find it on page E5 of the Territory section, or here in the interwebs. After today, you should still be able to find it here. Props to Sean's good friend Ryan Hellegaard for the picture.

yup, i'm scheming to "prettify" the bachelor pad

Just some good ideas I want to save and look at more later - silly website! It won't let me pin an article on pinterest, or even make it easy to post it here without a gadget/widget. Annoying! But they have great ideas, so I will just link to it the "old-fashioned" way. Ha!

And to be fair to Sean, it's not that the house looks bad, per se, nor is filled with... machismo decor. It's just very minimally decorated, if not outright bare. So, as we get closer to me moving in, I get to give the house a bit of a minimalist/modern/vintage/feminine touch. :)

the engagement - sylvia's story

I knew something was up when I got the text...

It was a Monday evening, and usually Sean had Kenpo or I was teaching violin lessons, but this week between Christmas and New Years, was different with no lessons for me and no karate for him, so we planned to do another "laundry/dinner/movie night."  (That's when I go over to his house to do my laundry while we eat dinner and watch a movie.)  Then in the afternoon Sean texted me, "I was thinking it would be nice to go for a walk before dinner and then eat somewhere nice.  I'll pick you up at 5:30."  I didn't see this until about 5:00, and right away I wondered if he would propose that night... and suddenly I got jittery and nervous.  "But it's probably nothing," I tried to tell myself. "What if he just wants to 'eat somewhere nice?' "

Since it was off-and-on rainy that evening, I dressed for "taking a walk" in a dress and tall black boots, but I brought nice shoes for the "somewhere nice" afterwards.  When he came up to my second floor apparent, he was in a new-to-me shirt and nice slacks, definitely dressed for the "somewhere nice."  And he carried bouquet of half-a-dozen roses and two irises. "Ahhhh, you did bring flowers." That made me so happy!

We ended up strolling around downtown Missoula, looking at the Christmas lights and decor on the streets and in the shops.  It was lovely, walking arm and arm with an umbrella.  Then we ate at The Depot, where we had our first date in March. But we had eaten there once before, in September, so I wasn't sure it meant anything in particular.  Afterwards, we went to Liquid Planet for tea, which we also did on our first date. But, again, we'd been there a few other times, too, so...?? Still, I'll remember this time in particular because we snagged the little love seat, and sat close, not talking much, just enjoying being together.

Sean suggested we take a drive around town to see more Christmas lights. We would start there in the downtown area, then drive through the University District, and work our way up into the South Hills, where I had mentioned seeing Christmas light-covered houses previous years.  I remember this being a really relaxing time and nice to wander around in his truck.  As we gradually moved south, we drove up Hillview Way, then wandered here and there, and I noted that we were close to Sean's house. We decided to stop there.

As soon as we went in, I turned on the lights of the Christmas tree and stood looking out his back deck door - a stunning view of Missoula and surrounding mountains.  At this point, alone for a few minutes, I was emotionally distraught, "He's not going to ask me, is he??? Or, maybe he will.  If he doesn't propose tonight, I'm going to break up with him!  I can't handle this emotional roller coaster!"

When he came back, we sat on his couch in the half dark, his arm around me.  I relaxed and remembered how much I love him, how much he meant to me...and I just enjoyed sitting there with him.  I noticed, though, that he kept sitting up to check the time in the kitchen behind us. He never checks the time.  Still, nothing else happened, except that I started getting really sleepy, and I told him that I might have to go soon.

A little while later, I noticed his hands were clammy, sweaty... hmmm.  And then, a little after that, he said, "I wrote something for you."

"You did?!"

"Yeah."

And he dug around in the drawer of his coffee table for a little bit - it felt kind of awkward.  Eventually, he came back with a folded up piece of paper, unfolded it, and started to read... a poem chronicling our relationship.  His voice was a little shaky, but as he read, I realized what was happening, and I was more in love with him than ever before.  So when he ended the poem with "will you marry me?," there was no hesitation.

"Yes! Yes!"

And suddenly there was a little box, and a ring inside it, and he was struggling to get it out, and joking, "I should have practiced this!"  Giddy laughter from both of us.  Then, he's placing the ring on my finger...

We took a few pictures of us a little while later.  They're not our best pictures, but I'm so glad we did, just to remember that special night.  Here's the best one.

the ring is on my right hand, in hope/faith that i'll be playing the violin lots again real soon!

stuff you want to buy for us ;)

Today, Sean and I completed a modern rite of passage into marriage - the wedding registry.  And at Bed, Bath and Beyond, no less.  It was by turns fun, confusing, frustrating, exciting, and overwhelming.  But if you want to take a gander at it, or if you can't wait to pick a most extravagant gift for us (yup, a shameless plug!), here is the link.

it's alive!

i just thought this might be a good time to revive the blog... in case you hadn't heard the news already.  :)

i don't feel the need to start a whole 'nother blog, since i don't even keep up with this one! so.... this will be the default wedding/engagement stuff blog for me. more to come soon!

day one

Here it is, the first day of Lent and my first day sans Facebook, and already I'm feeling the need to publish, thinking, "Oh, a status update would be nice right now..." So, here I am.  Yeah, we'll see how this next month-and-a-half goes!
But about that update: "More snow! pretty.  And an inversion! not so good.  Hope I can avoid the allergic-sick of the last inversion.  Blech!"
And now... off to make this Administrative Chi Alpha Wednesday morning a productive one!
A blessed Ash Wednesday to you.

old MySpace posts

Yes, I'm reviving the blog.   See, i'm deleting my MySpace (finally!), but a few "MySpace only" posts made me nostalgic.  So I'll repost them here, 4-5 years (!) later....

new "friend"

march 3, 2007.  11:32 PM

Hi-dee-oh.  How ya'll doin"?

:)
I am now a "friend" of Mark Heard, or rather, the MySpace tribute to Mark Heard, since he passed away years before the internet, never mind MySpace, got started.  For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Heard, I hope you'll trip on over to the profile and check out his awesome, quirky music.  I first heard his music about 10 years ago - thanks to Jo Muelheisen! - when I was coming out of  pretty hard time.  It was one of the things that helped me process all that stuff in the context of a God-centered worldview.  Some people have called his lyrics pessimistic, but I see them as hopeful.  Life can be really, really hard, but there is always this thread that points back to truth and love and beuaty and a Creator who is so good.
I just read something on a tribute page to him on this website, and wanted to pass on these lyrics to a song from his 1980 album Fingerprint.  Happy reading.

Remarks To Mr. McLuhan
Copyright Palmfrond Communications

What difference does it make
If this was once upon a time
You supply the stereo
And I'll supply the rhymes
I'm aided by machinery
In hopes to reach your mind
Can you hear me
Can you hear me now

Just a needle scratching ridges
On this one way plastic groove
My vinyl destination
My revolving imputation
I'm singing and I'm playing
But my lips don't have to move
Can you hear me
Can you hear me now

But just as loud and clear
You hear this song come through the air
It's funny, but it's as close as I can come
To really being there

Frozen in this record
Are fingerprints and messages
Can you hear me
Can you hear me now

well, alright

may 6, 2006.  9:229 am.

so i just found out that my friend working in China can't see my blog there.  dude, what's up with that?  anyway, for her sake and for the MySpace friends who never get around to visiting blogger.com, i will start doing some posting here.  this is a pretty crazy time for me: next week is finals week and immediately after that i am moving and then heading off to Europe for a 3 week missions trip (gasp for air).  so i'm just gonna copy to MySpace my most recent post from leaves... .  hope you like.

blog smog

march 18, 2006.  11:07 am

welcome to my new little MySpace.  i enjoy blogging but have trouble keeping up with posting on just one blog, so i won't be posting here hardly ever.  instead, you are invited to skip on over to ...leaves. nothing super exciting, just my silly thoughts on this crazy life journey, and links to blogs of some cool friends.  they make me feel cool by association.  :)

later.

-sylvia.

Regarding Jessica...

...an update on my friend Jessica DeMilo

Sigh. She's much better in a lot of ways, but she still has such a long way to go. Theoretically, there is this window in which they need to get a certain amount of therapy in - a window in which she has the best chance of recovery. Of course, God is above and beyond all theory and chance, but it seems He often works through the wisdom of doctors, nurses, etc., so we take their advice seriously.

Anyway, specifics: For about a month now, Jessica has been at the Rehabilitation Institute of Montana here in Missoula. They work her hard. Some results? She is eating a bit, but all food must be pureed to a pudding/yogurt consistency. Nothing more or less solid, because she has been silently aspirating. This is scary because it usually causes pneumonia or a bronchial infection. Related to that, she has two conditions (dysarthria and dysphasia) that also severely affect her ability to speak. Still, she is saying a few words, and every once in a while these are quite clear. She is spelling out other words sloooowly on a magnetic board with therapists and her mom.

Jessica has been able to put her full weight on her feet for up to 30 minutes while strapped into a table/chair type thing. She gets outside now in a wheelchair, pushed by her mom or nurses or friends. Her long-term memory is good - she remembers me! :) - but her short-term memory is touch and go. This makes her very frustrated, as you can imagine. A few weeks ago she really got her sense of humor back, or at least the ability to express it, and there were lots of smiles and laughs. One of my favorite things about her, one of the things made her such a fun roommate, was that I could always make her laugh. So it was great to hear her laughter, and see that she seemed to still got my odd/dry/nerdy sense of humor. This past week, though, she has been really depressed. At times, she refuses to participate in therapies, and this lack of participation hinders her progress. It's like she's finally well enough to realize just how bad things are.

Her mom asked her a few days ago, "Are you talking to God?"
"Yes."
"Is He talking to you?"
She shook her head, No.

So my main prayer request (besides, of course, "Please heal her, God!") is that Jessica would hear from Him, feel His presence, and know that He has not abandoned her. I think that is the only way I could hope to get through this if I were in her place.

Thanks again for your prayers. I want to hope and believe that God will use all this for His glory someday. Most of the time I really do believe it. I''m thankful that God is working in me to make it an all-of-the-time-faith sort of thing!

today

So back in the day, I used to blog regularly. Wrote all kinds of stuff. Then facebook happened. :) But seriously, the past few months, this has been where I have posted thoughts on my friend Jessica and the trial she and her loved ones have been through since November 11. And now...
Today is the 4 month anniversary of Jessica's accident. Slow, very slow, but steady progress has been made. Her mom can finally leave town to work in Dillon half the week without stressing too much, really trusting Jessica's in the best of hands for her care. So everyone goes on with their lives, but still we hope and we pray, "Full recovery."
Amen.

an update

I spent most of the day with two of the three DeMilos. Jessica is looking sooo much better than when I saw her last Saturday. The swelling has gone down quite a bit, and the head bandage, or "turban" as her mom Tejeanne calls it, has been removed. Jessica is moving more as well, and I saw her eye-lids flutter quite a few times. Two different nurses said they saw her eyes completely open. She's clearly still in a coma, but these are good signs. The two visual shocks for me were that she has almost no hair - so sad - and the wound itself. At first I only saw a small part of it and was like, What? All this stress, worry , trouble for that?!? Then I saw the whole thing, the stitches going back, way back over her head. Oh dear God, how is she even still alive? Oh that's right: God. And prayer. And these miracles we are all praying for. Yeah.

As of last night, the plan for today was to move Jessica from the ICU to the Medical ICU, described by her mom as "a separate wing of the ICU, which is a step-down in terms of care protocols." Before this event, I joined Tejeanne for lunch at IHOP. After "quick" trips to Barnes and Nobles, Staples and Micheals, we went back to the hospital, and I helped her take down the cards, posters, flyers, pictures, stuffed animals, flowers, etc. that have adorned Jessica's first hospital room. We trekked around the corner to the new room with all said flotsam and jetsam on a cart, then began re-posting them. We got half-way done before a whole host of nurses wheeled in Jessica. Her mom and I vacated for a few minutes while they got her settled. Standing outside the door, we could hear beepings and coughings. Jessica really struggles with being moved around, like her brain is totally overwhelmed with the stimulation - but not as much as last week, not as much as in those first few days, and this is encouraging. Still, it's hard to hear for those few minutes. Eventually they were done and we went back in. We finished putting everything up - cards, banners, pictures and finally decorating with the post-it note hearts that have words her friends use to describe her on them - written in glitter pen of course. Tejeanne chatted up a few nurses, made sure they had her phone number, made sure they heard stories about Jessica so that they can see her as more than a body in a bed.

Back here at home, the "slightly ghettoesque apartment" I've shared with Jessica for four months, I decided to check out her blog again. Reading her posts I wondered, Why haven't I read these before? These are hilarious! Oh yeah. I didn't need too. We talked and laughed together all the time. Hoping, praying, looking forward to such times again.

prayer du jour

I'm praying for my roommie Jessica every day, many times a day, but today a new thought: God, I want a miracle. And not just a "medical miracle." A miracle miracle. God, I pray for a full recovery for Jessica - a miracle miracle. Amen.

woke up to Jessica's alarm this morning...

Early Wednesday morning - we think around 7 to 8-ish - my roommate was in a really bad car accident. She had been on her way to work in Polson, a town about 70 miles from apartment here in Missoula. The roads were icy, she was probably running late... she lost control of the car, did a 180, spun into the oncoming traffic of the opposite lane, and another car hit her from behind. The front of her car was also smashed up, but no one is sure why... But the bad part is that something struck her in the head and fractured her skull. She was unconscious when medics got her out of her car. She was wearing her seat-belt so there were no other injuries, really. But she is in a coma.

When I woke up Wednesday morning around 7:30 am, I was happy to see the snow - love snow! - and really just wanted to stay in bed but knew I needed to get some work done. I'm self-employed so that isn't always easy on a day like that. I remember thinking "This feels like a good day to cuddle under a blanket with a good book or a movie." I did, however, get productive pretty quickly, had breakfast and all that, and I wrote a letter to my mom talking about stuff going on in my life - good stuff for the most part. Then I started working on stuff for work - finding information online for the a violin student, etc. Around 11:00 am I heard a knock on the door to the apartment. I was dressed pretty scrubbily for the at-home-work morning, so I only answered the door after a quick look in the mirror. :)
It was Crystal, one of Jessica's good friends, and a roommate of Michelle, another dear friend of Jess'. I'd only met her once so it took me a couple seconds to remember her. Once we'd figured that out, she was like, "Have you heard about Jessica's accident? Her mom called Michelle and was totally freaking out, but it's her mom so we don't know what's happened. We heard something about a fractured skull and she's going in to surgery, but can't tell how serious it is. But we just wanted to make sure you knew. We are going to the hospital right now."
"Thank you so much for finding me... can you wait a minute and I'll throw on some clothes and come with you?"
When we got the hospital we were told she was in the Intensive Care Unit, just getting out of surgery, so we were sent up to wait in that waiting room. We didn't know anything more for hours. The doctors and nurses weren't talking to us til her mom got there, and she wasn't going to get there til 3 pm. I had brought work with me to do, the girls had brought homework. We got a little done, then as random bits of information trickled in despite the stated prohibition ("don't talk to Jessica's friends til the mom gets here"), it became harder and harder not to worry.
The ICU waiting room has jigsaw puzzles. The three of us started on one with great care, adding the extra challenge of not looking at the picture on the box to guide us. We had fun, we laughed, trying not to think too hard...The hours passed.

Eventually her mom came, and more visitors, folks from her work. We prayed together. We hadn't seen her yet, but it became clear that things were very, very serious. I started working on getting out of the rest of my evening's commitments - a Chi Alpha small group and some work. I was a mess.
Finally all was clear for a group of us - about 8 - to go in to see Jessica. I was really worried that I would not be able to handle what I saw, pass out I mean. But on the other hand, I also knew that "the monster in your head is worse than the monster under the bed." I had a feeling it would not be as bad as the all the anxiety of waiting and imagining the worst. In a way I was right. Seeing her as I walked into the little room I thought, "I can do this." I mean, it was awful, but she honestly looked better than I had feared. Still, I cried. And I couldn't really talk when it was supposed to be my turn, except to say, "Hi Jessica it's Sylvia."
We prayed again in the little room. We comforted her mom. We talked about Jessica and what we liked about her. There was laughter mixed in with tears. There was prayer for healing. I wasn't feeling faith for much of anything. All day, people's positive words had felt foolish, and seeing her wasn't changing that.

I had dinner - "Cheeseburger Pie" - with Crystal and Michelle at the bachelor pad of Crystal's boyfriend Nick and roommate Matt. I sent an email on one of their computers. I worked hard to push through the despair I felt and learn a Spanish card game. It was worth it, we had fun. And brownies. Perfect.
Michelle and Crystal offered to let me stay at their place, and so did Scott and Anna, my . I hadn't thought about it til they mentioned it but right away I realized I didn't want to spend the night alone, never mind alone in an apartment filled with Jessica's stuff and still fresh memories of normal life, "before" life. I worked out some details and got Scott to come pick me up after I got stuff from the apartment. Once to their place, we talked and prayed for quite awhile. Scott sent an emial to the Chi Alpha phone list. Around 11:30 pm, I headed to bed in their guest bedroom. I couldn't sleep. I kept waiting for my phone to ring. I kept thinking how much I wished I could turn back time. I prayed, for Jessica, me, her mom and her sister, the person who was driving the car who hit her. Maybe I got 2.5 hours solid sleep.

Morning at the hospital felt more hopeful. I stayed til 12:30 pm, then had to get some work done. All afternoon my phone was on vibrate in my back pocket. There were texts and calls, but just people wanting information, not "Come to the hospital now!" Fear and anxiety washed over me again everyonce in awhile, but I pushed them down. There was more prayer for Jessica, with Chi Alpha girls in our one-on-one mentoring times, and in our Student Leader Resourcing meeting. The students were so gracious and kind and encouraging to me in their prayers. They said they were surprised at how well I was doing. I told them I had not been so composed the day before.
After that Chi Alpha Leader meeting, I walked home, got Jess' teddy bear "Arktos" - Greek for, yes, "bear" - and walked to the hospital. Another evening of prayer, waiting, puzzles, hoping, encouraging her mom and sister. I had more faith at this point, faith for a miracle, but still not as convinced as some...A group of us started a CaringBridge site for our friend.
I spent the night at the apartment last night, and when I woke just before 5 am my first thought was "wow, I slept well... but why am I awake?" Then I heard it, an alarm. I had to get up, go to Jessica's room and turn it off. She must have reset it Wednesday morning right after she got up. I missed it yesterday morning becuse I had been at Scott and Anna's. I hadn't been able to cry since Thursday morning. I wasn't sure which was worse - unable to stop crying or not able to cry when you want to. Think the latter. Anyway, after the alarm, I couldn't fall back asleep, so I got some food, read Hebrews 11-12:3, and wrote this blog post. I really need to go. Scott and Anna are picking me up in 20 minutes or so. It's the Barnett's so maybe more on the "so" side! :)
Thanks to anyone who read this and prays. Just wanted to get this out of me, make sure I don't forget this time, whatever happens. more posts to come. Please check out the CaringBridge site for more info about Jessica's current state.

God is in control and He is good.

a good read

just one of those articles i liked so much i wanted to post on facebook and here. challenging and thoughtful. and readers' comments are interesting as well. gotta love Relevant.