woke up to Jessica's alarm this morning...

Early Wednesday morning - we think around 7 to 8-ish - my roommate was in a really bad car accident. She had been on her way to work in Polson, a town about 70 miles from apartment here in Missoula. The roads were icy, she was probably running late... she lost control of the car, did a 180, spun into the oncoming traffic of the opposite lane, and another car hit her from behind. The front of her car was also smashed up, but no one is sure why... But the bad part is that something struck her in the head and fractured her skull. She was unconscious when medics got her out of her car. She was wearing her seat-belt so there were no other injuries, really. But she is in a coma.

When I woke up Wednesday morning around 7:30 am, I was happy to see the snow - love snow! - and really just wanted to stay in bed but knew I needed to get some work done. I'm self-employed so that isn't always easy on a day like that. I remember thinking "This feels like a good day to cuddle under a blanket with a good book or a movie." I did, however, get productive pretty quickly, had breakfast and all that, and I wrote a letter to my mom talking about stuff going on in my life - good stuff for the most part. Then I started working on stuff for work - finding information online for the a violin student, etc. Around 11:00 am I heard a knock on the door to the apartment. I was dressed pretty scrubbily for the at-home-work morning, so I only answered the door after a quick look in the mirror. :)
It was Crystal, one of Jessica's good friends, and a roommate of Michelle, another dear friend of Jess'. I'd only met her once so it took me a couple seconds to remember her. Once we'd figured that out, she was like, "Have you heard about Jessica's accident? Her mom called Michelle and was totally freaking out, but it's her mom so we don't know what's happened. We heard something about a fractured skull and she's going in to surgery, but can't tell how serious it is. But we just wanted to make sure you knew. We are going to the hospital right now."
"Thank you so much for finding me... can you wait a minute and I'll throw on some clothes and come with you?"
When we got the hospital we were told she was in the Intensive Care Unit, just getting out of surgery, so we were sent up to wait in that waiting room. We didn't know anything more for hours. The doctors and nurses weren't talking to us til her mom got there, and she wasn't going to get there til 3 pm. I had brought work with me to do, the girls had brought homework. We got a little done, then as random bits of information trickled in despite the stated prohibition ("don't talk to Jessica's friends til the mom gets here"), it became harder and harder not to worry.
The ICU waiting room has jigsaw puzzles. The three of us started on one with great care, adding the extra challenge of not looking at the picture on the box to guide us. We had fun, we laughed, trying not to think too hard...The hours passed.

Eventually her mom came, and more visitors, folks from her work. We prayed together. We hadn't seen her yet, but it became clear that things were very, very serious. I started working on getting out of the rest of my evening's commitments - a Chi Alpha small group and some work. I was a mess.
Finally all was clear for a group of us - about 8 - to go in to see Jessica. I was really worried that I would not be able to handle what I saw, pass out I mean. But on the other hand, I also knew that "the monster in your head is worse than the monster under the bed." I had a feeling it would not be as bad as the all the anxiety of waiting and imagining the worst. In a way I was right. Seeing her as I walked into the little room I thought, "I can do this." I mean, it was awful, but she honestly looked better than I had feared. Still, I cried. And I couldn't really talk when it was supposed to be my turn, except to say, "Hi Jessica it's Sylvia."
We prayed again in the little room. We comforted her mom. We talked about Jessica and what we liked about her. There was laughter mixed in with tears. There was prayer for healing. I wasn't feeling faith for much of anything. All day, people's positive words had felt foolish, and seeing her wasn't changing that.

I had dinner - "Cheeseburger Pie" - with Crystal and Michelle at the bachelor pad of Crystal's boyfriend Nick and roommate Matt. I sent an email on one of their computers. I worked hard to push through the despair I felt and learn a Spanish card game. It was worth it, we had fun. And brownies. Perfect.
Michelle and Crystal offered to let me stay at their place, and so did Scott and Anna, my . I hadn't thought about it til they mentioned it but right away I realized I didn't want to spend the night alone, never mind alone in an apartment filled with Jessica's stuff and still fresh memories of normal life, "before" life. I worked out some details and got Scott to come pick me up after I got stuff from the apartment. Once to their place, we talked and prayed for quite awhile. Scott sent an emial to the Chi Alpha phone list. Around 11:30 pm, I headed to bed in their guest bedroom. I couldn't sleep. I kept waiting for my phone to ring. I kept thinking how much I wished I could turn back time. I prayed, for Jessica, me, her mom and her sister, the person who was driving the car who hit her. Maybe I got 2.5 hours solid sleep.

Morning at the hospital felt more hopeful. I stayed til 12:30 pm, then had to get some work done. All afternoon my phone was on vibrate in my back pocket. There were texts and calls, but just people wanting information, not "Come to the hospital now!" Fear and anxiety washed over me again everyonce in awhile, but I pushed them down. There was more prayer for Jessica, with Chi Alpha girls in our one-on-one mentoring times, and in our Student Leader Resourcing meeting. The students were so gracious and kind and encouraging to me in their prayers. They said they were surprised at how well I was doing. I told them I had not been so composed the day before.
After that Chi Alpha Leader meeting, I walked home, got Jess' teddy bear "Arktos" - Greek for, yes, "bear" - and walked to the hospital. Another evening of prayer, waiting, puzzles, hoping, encouraging her mom and sister. I had more faith at this point, faith for a miracle, but still not as convinced as some...A group of us started a CaringBridge site for our friend.
I spent the night at the apartment last night, and when I woke just before 5 am my first thought was "wow, I slept well... but why am I awake?" Then I heard it, an alarm. I had to get up, go to Jessica's room and turn it off. She must have reset it Wednesday morning right after she got up. I missed it yesterday morning becuse I had been at Scott and Anna's. I hadn't been able to cry since Thursday morning. I wasn't sure which was worse - unable to stop crying or not able to cry when you want to. Think the latter. Anyway, after the alarm, I couldn't fall back asleep, so I got some food, read Hebrews 11-12:3, and wrote this blog post. I really need to go. Scott and Anna are picking me up in 20 minutes or so. It's the Barnett's so maybe more on the "so" side! :)
Thanks to anyone who read this and prays. Just wanted to get this out of me, make sure I don't forget this time, whatever happens. more posts to come. Please check out the CaringBridge site for more info about Jessica's current state.

God is in control and He is good.