an update

I spent most of the day with two of the three DeMilos. Jessica is looking sooo much better than when I saw her last Saturday. The swelling has gone down quite a bit, and the head bandage, or "turban" as her mom Tejeanne calls it, has been removed. Jessica is moving more as well, and I saw her eye-lids flutter quite a few times. Two different nurses said they saw her eyes completely open. She's clearly still in a coma, but these are good signs. The two visual shocks for me were that she has almost no hair - so sad - and the wound itself. At first I only saw a small part of it and was like, What? All this stress, worry , trouble for that?!? Then I saw the whole thing, the stitches going back, way back over her head. Oh dear God, how is she even still alive? Oh that's right: God. And prayer. And these miracles we are all praying for. Yeah.

As of last night, the plan for today was to move Jessica from the ICU to the Medical ICU, described by her mom as "a separate wing of the ICU, which is a step-down in terms of care protocols." Before this event, I joined Tejeanne for lunch at IHOP. After "quick" trips to Barnes and Nobles, Staples and Micheals, we went back to the hospital, and I helped her take down the cards, posters, flyers, pictures, stuffed animals, flowers, etc. that have adorned Jessica's first hospital room. We trekked around the corner to the new room with all said flotsam and jetsam on a cart, then began re-posting them. We got half-way done before a whole host of nurses wheeled in Jessica. Her mom and I vacated for a few minutes while they got her settled. Standing outside the door, we could hear beepings and coughings. Jessica really struggles with being moved around, like her brain is totally overwhelmed with the stimulation - but not as much as last week, not as much as in those first few days, and this is encouraging. Still, it's hard to hear for those few minutes. Eventually they were done and we went back in. We finished putting everything up - cards, banners, pictures and finally decorating with the post-it note hearts that have words her friends use to describe her on them - written in glitter pen of course. Tejeanne chatted up a few nurses, made sure they had her phone number, made sure they heard stories about Jessica so that they can see her as more than a body in a bed.

Back here at home, the "slightly ghettoesque apartment" I've shared with Jessica for four months, I decided to check out her blog again. Reading her posts I wondered, Why haven't I read these before? These are hilarious! Oh yeah. I didn't need too. We talked and laughed together all the time. Hoping, praying, looking forward to such times again.

prayer du jour

I'm praying for my roommie Jessica every day, many times a day, but today a new thought: God, I want a miracle. And not just a "medical miracle." A miracle miracle. God, I pray for a full recovery for Jessica - a miracle miracle. Amen.

woke up to Jessica's alarm this morning...

Early Wednesday morning - we think around 7 to 8-ish - my roommate was in a really bad car accident. She had been on her way to work in Polson, a town about 70 miles from apartment here in Missoula. The roads were icy, she was probably running late... she lost control of the car, did a 180, spun into the oncoming traffic of the opposite lane, and another car hit her from behind. The front of her car was also smashed up, but no one is sure why... But the bad part is that something struck her in the head and fractured her skull. She was unconscious when medics got her out of her car. She was wearing her seat-belt so there were no other injuries, really. But she is in a coma.

When I woke up Wednesday morning around 7:30 am, I was happy to see the snow - love snow! - and really just wanted to stay in bed but knew I needed to get some work done. I'm self-employed so that isn't always easy on a day like that. I remember thinking "This feels like a good day to cuddle under a blanket with a good book or a movie." I did, however, get productive pretty quickly, had breakfast and all that, and I wrote a letter to my mom talking about stuff going on in my life - good stuff for the most part. Then I started working on stuff for work - finding information online for the a violin student, etc. Around 11:00 am I heard a knock on the door to the apartment. I was dressed pretty scrubbily for the at-home-work morning, so I only answered the door after a quick look in the mirror. :)
It was Crystal, one of Jessica's good friends, and a roommate of Michelle, another dear friend of Jess'. I'd only met her once so it took me a couple seconds to remember her. Once we'd figured that out, she was like, "Have you heard about Jessica's accident? Her mom called Michelle and was totally freaking out, but it's her mom so we don't know what's happened. We heard something about a fractured skull and she's going in to surgery, but can't tell how serious it is. But we just wanted to make sure you knew. We are going to the hospital right now."
"Thank you so much for finding me... can you wait a minute and I'll throw on some clothes and come with you?"
When we got the hospital we were told she was in the Intensive Care Unit, just getting out of surgery, so we were sent up to wait in that waiting room. We didn't know anything more for hours. The doctors and nurses weren't talking to us til her mom got there, and she wasn't going to get there til 3 pm. I had brought work with me to do, the girls had brought homework. We got a little done, then as random bits of information trickled in despite the stated prohibition ("don't talk to Jessica's friends til the mom gets here"), it became harder and harder not to worry.
The ICU waiting room has jigsaw puzzles. The three of us started on one with great care, adding the extra challenge of not looking at the picture on the box to guide us. We had fun, we laughed, trying not to think too hard...The hours passed.

Eventually her mom came, and more visitors, folks from her work. We prayed together. We hadn't seen her yet, but it became clear that things were very, very serious. I started working on getting out of the rest of my evening's commitments - a Chi Alpha small group and some work. I was a mess.
Finally all was clear for a group of us - about 8 - to go in to see Jessica. I was really worried that I would not be able to handle what I saw, pass out I mean. But on the other hand, I also knew that "the monster in your head is worse than the monster under the bed." I had a feeling it would not be as bad as the all the anxiety of waiting and imagining the worst. In a way I was right. Seeing her as I walked into the little room I thought, "I can do this." I mean, it was awful, but she honestly looked better than I had feared. Still, I cried. And I couldn't really talk when it was supposed to be my turn, except to say, "Hi Jessica it's Sylvia."
We prayed again in the little room. We comforted her mom. We talked about Jessica and what we liked about her. There was laughter mixed in with tears. There was prayer for healing. I wasn't feeling faith for much of anything. All day, people's positive words had felt foolish, and seeing her wasn't changing that.

I had dinner - "Cheeseburger Pie" - with Crystal and Michelle at the bachelor pad of Crystal's boyfriend Nick and roommate Matt. I sent an email on one of their computers. I worked hard to push through the despair I felt and learn a Spanish card game. It was worth it, we had fun. And brownies. Perfect.
Michelle and Crystal offered to let me stay at their place, and so did Scott and Anna, my . I hadn't thought about it til they mentioned it but right away I realized I didn't want to spend the night alone, never mind alone in an apartment filled with Jessica's stuff and still fresh memories of normal life, "before" life. I worked out some details and got Scott to come pick me up after I got stuff from the apartment. Once to their place, we talked and prayed for quite awhile. Scott sent an emial to the Chi Alpha phone list. Around 11:30 pm, I headed to bed in their guest bedroom. I couldn't sleep. I kept waiting for my phone to ring. I kept thinking how much I wished I could turn back time. I prayed, for Jessica, me, her mom and her sister, the person who was driving the car who hit her. Maybe I got 2.5 hours solid sleep.

Morning at the hospital felt more hopeful. I stayed til 12:30 pm, then had to get some work done. All afternoon my phone was on vibrate in my back pocket. There were texts and calls, but just people wanting information, not "Come to the hospital now!" Fear and anxiety washed over me again everyonce in awhile, but I pushed them down. There was more prayer for Jessica, with Chi Alpha girls in our one-on-one mentoring times, and in our Student Leader Resourcing meeting. The students were so gracious and kind and encouraging to me in their prayers. They said they were surprised at how well I was doing. I told them I had not been so composed the day before.
After that Chi Alpha Leader meeting, I walked home, got Jess' teddy bear "Arktos" - Greek for, yes, "bear" - and walked to the hospital. Another evening of prayer, waiting, puzzles, hoping, encouraging her mom and sister. I had more faith at this point, faith for a miracle, but still not as convinced as some...A group of us started a CaringBridge site for our friend.
I spent the night at the apartment last night, and when I woke just before 5 am my first thought was "wow, I slept well... but why am I awake?" Then I heard it, an alarm. I had to get up, go to Jessica's room and turn it off. She must have reset it Wednesday morning right after she got up. I missed it yesterday morning becuse I had been at Scott and Anna's. I hadn't been able to cry since Thursday morning. I wasn't sure which was worse - unable to stop crying or not able to cry when you want to. Think the latter. Anyway, after the alarm, I couldn't fall back asleep, so I got some food, read Hebrews 11-12:3, and wrote this blog post. I really need to go. Scott and Anna are picking me up in 20 minutes or so. It's the Barnett's so maybe more on the "so" side! :)
Thanks to anyone who read this and prays. Just wanted to get this out of me, make sure I don't forget this time, whatever happens. more posts to come. Please check out the CaringBridge site for more info about Jessica's current state.

God is in control and He is good.

a good read

just one of those articles i liked so much i wanted to post on facebook and here. challenging and thoughtful. and readers' comments are interesting as well. gotta love Relevant.

všetko v poriadku

So a bunch of folks have asked about my trip to Central Europe, especially the last week when I was traveling alone. Before I get to the good stuff, here's a basic outline of how I spent my time.

From May 18 through June 3, I was assistant staff for the 2009 Big Sky Expeditions missions team. Our group was made up of 7 college students, team leader Scott and his wife Anna, and me. We spent 8 days in Slovakia, and then another 8 in Poland. My itinerary from there: Krakow, Poland to Banovce nad Bebravou, Slovakia (June 4); Banovce nad Bebravou to Bratislava, Slovakia (June 5); Bratislava to Vienna, Austria (June 6); Vienna to Brno, Czech Republic (June 8); Brno to Prague, Czech Republic (June 9); fly out of Prague (June11). A canceled flight left me in Salt Lake city for an extra day, and I got back to Missoula on June 13, tired and sick with a cold, but happy.

And now, some highlights:

• Seeing Wagner's Die Walkurie at the Vienna State Opera. Watching from the very top step of the top standing area in the hall, I was enthralled from the first notes in the cellos and basses. While I still can't condone the plot (yikes!), it is very fine art. I never thought I'd like Wagner.
  
• Seeing the Vienna Philharmonic in the Musikverein, also with a cheap standing area ticket. Music there was pretty good, too. :)
  
• Meeting people from all over the world. At the international church in Vienna I met Americans, South Africans, a Kenyan, a Romanian, a German, a Pole and even a few Austrians. After lunch at a Mongolian grill, most of us went out for coffee at McCafe. Totally sacrilegious, I think, to get lattes in Vienna at McDonalds, but that's what they wanted to do! And it was there that I discovered that one of the aforementioned Americans recently met someone in Minnesota that I know from Boston. Small world.
  
• While I mostly traveled alone, I was met at bus and train stations by old and new friends at every stop along the way. Yes, all that email correspondence paid off! "Hello. Are you Sylvia? I'm..."
• A few of these friends were able to show me around their cities - my own personal tour guides. Sweet.
  
• Waking up and wondering, "Where am I?" Between the time I left the Big Sky Expeditions team in Krakow on June 4, and when I slept in my own bed again June 13, I slept in 5 different apartments, 5 buses, 3 train cabins, 4 planes and on 1 basement couch. This morning, somewhere between waking and sleeping, it happened again. I woke up just enough to remember, smile, and roll back over.
• Watching the beautiful Central European countryside pass me by on buses and trains: green and hilly, accented by the red roofs of villages, a few kilometers apart, and the occasional castle.
• There were a few moments when things got interesting - for example, the first day of my solo trip when I traveled alone into central Slovakia, far from the tourist path. On my second train of the day, I asked the young lady sharing my cabin if she spoke English. She shook her head sheepishly. With gestures and a few words of Slovak from the phrasebook I had bought, I asked her when the train got to Banovce nad Bebravou. Our attempts at understanding each other were not very successful. I couldn't tell if she couldn't understand me, or if she didn't know the answer to my question, or both. A little while later, I was thinking about trying to find the train conductor. Then I overheard my cabinmate say "Banovce nad Bebravou" to someone on her cell phone. The next thing I knew, she was handing me her phone.

"Hello?" I said.
"Hello," I heard a woman say to me in halting English. "This bus... no go... Banovce nad Bebravou."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you very much."
Smiling, I returned the cell phone. My cabinmate said to me "Trenčín," and I knew she meant that it was the stop at which I should get off. I replied "Ďakujem veľmi pekne!" [Thank you very much], a phrase I repeated a few more times before we parted ways.
Things like this happened a couple of times, people helping me out in moments when I really needed it - the lady at the airport on Vienna who told me where to find free internet for a few minutes, the train conductor in Trenčín who pointed out my bus, the family in Salt Lake City that took me in for a night and a day. I felt surrounded by angels...

• Meeting and chatting with missionaries and ministry leaders in Brno and Vienna - just getting a taste of the reality of these places and what God is up to there. Exciting, challenging, raw.
• A few God encounters, particularly in Krakow and in Brno, when He felt very near and I felt a hairsbreadth away from knowing what He has been leading me in to. So close, but not there yet. Still, the experience made me think I'm on the right track. Some things I know: I really like it there, I know I'll go back, and I'm sure I'll live somewhere in Europe at some point. Probably Central or Eastern Europe... but who knows. And the exact date I may be arriving? No idea. Sigh. Guess God will let me know just in time. That seems to be His way with these things. :)
  

A new Slovak phrase: "všetko v poriadku"
From what I understand (which is very little!), this phrase means something like "Everything is okay." It's what you tell your mom when she calls to ask you if you made it somewhere safe. I think in English I would say, "I'm good." I felt this was an appropriate phrase to end this post since, despite all my stress and worry over this trip (before and during!), everything was... good. And some parts were very good. And I arrived back in Missoula safe and sound enough to set even my mother at ease!

Update (June 30): to see pictures from my trip, visit my Central Europe '09 set on my flickr photostream. Enjoy!

všetko

what am i doing? why am i here?
trust and faith
uncertainty and fear

the first day driving from Vienna to Nove Mesto nad Vahom, through little Austrian towns, hearing Hillsong United song in Jan's CD player, suddenly feeling moved, and the words "I am called" - or was it "You are called" - suddenly in my head.
a day later, not one email from all the folks (missionaries, pastors, friends of friends) i contacted. no email about the summer opera. no relief from the thoughts in my head... discouraged.

in the park after prayer, sharing time in a circle with church folk, a UM student shares "everyone on this team is here for a reason... He will show you..."
a rollercoaster of emotions
what am i doing? why am i here?
"I will show you."

i like them, i am scared they don't like me
as much as i don't feel at home in the States at times, and i just want to GO, there are little things - cultural understandings - that i miss. i just don't know what they think of me and this absolutely terrifies me. in the States i am shy and reserved, here i feel comparatively pushy and annoying. not more so than other Americans, but... i think the others on the team don't want it as much, don't care as much - no, one other is aggressive in her questions, her hunger to learn. but i am not sure they appreciate this in us. i don't know if i am being obnoxious or intimiadating. or if they are just thinking, "Those Americans always need reassurance" looking in the eye all the time...

and no courage it seems, even to ask for help finding a watch...
i can't do this, dear God, it is all too much.

just now, email from Czech missionaries - they want me to work with them for a few days even! and a place to stay near Brno, maybe in the city if i don't mind staying with folks who don't speak English. hm. and the email about the opera! both of them actually. thanks! so... up we go again.

"všetko"
My new favorite Slovak word, meaning "that is all."
That is all for today.