všetko

what am i doing? why am i here?
trust and faith
uncertainty and fear

the first day driving from Vienna to Nove Mesto nad Vahom, through little Austrian towns, hearing Hillsong United song in Jan's CD player, suddenly feeling moved, and the words "I am called" - or was it "You are called" - suddenly in my head.
a day later, not one email from all the folks (missionaries, pastors, friends of friends) i contacted. no email about the summer opera. no relief from the thoughts in my head... discouraged.

in the park after prayer, sharing time in a circle with church folk, a UM student shares "everyone on this team is here for a reason... He will show you..."
a rollercoaster of emotions
what am i doing? why am i here?
"I will show you."

i like them, i am scared they don't like me
as much as i don't feel at home in the States at times, and i just want to GO, there are little things - cultural understandings - that i miss. i just don't know what they think of me and this absolutely terrifies me. in the States i am shy and reserved, here i feel comparatively pushy and annoying. not more so than other Americans, but... i think the others on the team don't want it as much, don't care as much - no, one other is aggressive in her questions, her hunger to learn. but i am not sure they appreciate this in us. i don't know if i am being obnoxious or intimiadating. or if they are just thinking, "Those Americans always need reassurance" looking in the eye all the time...

and no courage it seems, even to ask for help finding a watch...
i can't do this, dear God, it is all too much.

just now, email from Czech missionaries - they want me to work with them for a few days even! and a place to stay near Brno, maybe in the city if i don't mind staying with folks who don't speak English. hm. and the email about the opera! both of them actually. thanks! so... up we go again.

"všetko"
My new favorite Slovak word, meaning "that is all."
That is all for today.