freedom and rest

i feel like a giddy six-year-old, just finishing her first year of school , experiencing her first summer break... i feel like a bird set free from a cage.. i feel like a little like a three-toed sloth...
I have finally finished my year, and thus my time, at UMass-Boston. The last component was my recital on Monday. It was quite the learning experience, to say the least. How did it go? you ask. Well, I played okay. I am my own worst critic, however, so I must also say that my audience of family members, friends and classmates enjoyed it. That's a good thing. And now it is done, I am done, and I am feeling blissfully lazy (see three-toed sloth). To do list: eat, sleep, read, chip away at the huge cake my parents bought for the reception after the recital. That was fun - tons of food, people from all different parts of my life. I spent the hour or so going around making sure I chatted with everybody and introducing this person and that - "being presidential", as someone said.
Graduation isn't until Friday, June 3, with Honors Convocation two days before. So by the beginning of June, the close of this chapter will feel official. And then I'll be ready to head out West... kind of. I'm planning different ways to say goodbye to all these people who are dear to me. I hope these lame attempts to say how much "I love..." and "I'll miss..." will be understood and appreciated, seeing as they are coming from someone who doesn't say these things nearly enough. And just yesterday, I found myself wondering, again, why am I not only leaving everyone I know, but also going somewhere I know no one? Sure, it was the Montana trip that made this seem possible for me, and yet now I ask myself and God "Wouldn't it be safer to stay here or go back there?" Then I think of Narnia and Aslan and the response to Susan when she asked if the great Lion was safe.
"Safe? said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King..."
It follows, doesn't it, that life in the midst of His hands will be a wild adventure, never easy, but good? So, in the coming days, I will attempt to be human again - from cheetah to sloth to human, what a week! I must restore order to the trash heap my room has become, get a summer job and earn some serious cash, call people I haven't spoken to in months, and take time to smell the roses and such. And, last but not least, I have the privilege of getting ready to "Go West, young [wo]man!"
...speaking of lame...

Stress

In the days and weeks leading up to my audition at the U. of Wisconsin Madison, there were a few times I found myself thinking, "This is it. I am going to go mad." My mind was reeling and the pressure to succeed was greater than any I had ever experienced before. There were too many things to coordinate, too many people to keep up with, and too much music to learn. Well, I didn't lose my mind, the audition went well enough that my first thought afterwards was, "hey, I want do that again", and I even got accepted to the program for which I was auditioning. Best of all, right afterwards, I got to enjoy a great mini-vacation in sunny Missoula, MT. Sigh. Those were the days.
Now, here I am back in a place where I am questioning the strength of my sanity, whether that be when I decided I wanted to do a senior recital or now that said recital is almost upon me. There are just too many things to coordinate, too many people to keep up with and too much music to learn. When I tell folks about my recital, I vacillate between (one) really wanting them to come 'cause "It's gonna be fun" and (two) panicking, which makes me think I should say "You don't have to come" and/or "Don't tell too many people about it." Actually, I did say both of those things today... hmmmm. So I don't make a great self-promoter, eh?
In the midst of all this, what I really want is for God to be pleased with me. And I want Him to get some kind of glory out of me and my playing, or despite me and my playing, if need be! So back to the woodshed I go, with a prayer that He give me both the wisdom I need to deal with people and the grace to be a Glory-to-God-producing musician. That's really all any of us can do, right?